September 22, 2007

Baptists Descend On My Neighborhood

Indianola First Baptist ChurchA van full of Baptists just appeared in my neighborhood. Evidently, their church must be having a hard time getting people to show up and grovel to their logically incoherent god. My patience with these folks and their delusion is starting to slip. I've heard it all before so many times. It is so easy to think of what I should have said after they leave, but I think I was more than sufficiently rude this time around.

I was typing a post for this very blog when I saw a large red van drive by out of the corner of my eye. I didn't notice the Baptist church logo on the van's side, as I was intent on finishing my sentence. Not two seconds later, the doorbell rang and my dog started going crazy.

I scooped the dog up and answered the door, figuring it was some soliciting idiot and fully prepared to tell him where he could go. The door opened to reveal a well-dressed woman in her 40's with a young girl by her side. Oh crap! I had been prepared to yell something rude and slam the door, but now I was stopped in my tracks. If I yelled at them only to discover that they were my new neighbors coming over to introduce themselves or looking for a lost pet, I'd feel like an ass.

The woman started to introduce herself, but I wasn't really listening. You see, my mind had shifted to how I must appear: unshaven, disheveled (hey, I wasn't planning to go out today) holding a barking dog, and...oh crap, am I really wearing those shorts with a huge rip over the crotch? Yep, they are so comfortable I haven't been able to bring myself to throw them out even though I'd probably be arrested for wearing them outside.

It turns out they were Baptists trying to get me to go to their church.
Baptist Woman: "We're just going around meeting everyone and trying to figure out who goes to church and who doesn't..." Looking nervous.

Me: "Why?" Frantically trying to cover myself and stop the dog from barking at the same time.

Baptist Woman: "Well, you see we're from [insert random Baptist church name], and we were wondering where you attend church?"

Me: "We've never met, and I'm not particularly interested in discussing that with a complete stranger."

Baptist Woman: "I'd just like you invite you to attend [random Baptist church] as our guests." Reaching into her purse. Was she going for a taser? "Let me give you a flier."

Me: "No thank you. I'm not interested in your church." Shutting the door in their faces.
I'm not saying I feel particularly good about any of this, but this was yet another unwelcome intrusion. I think I should be entitled to some privacy and freedom from this incessant pestering in my own home. I cannot stop them from ringing my bell, but I ought to be within my rights to make them think twice about doing so again.