There is a tendency for men to become defensive when the subject of sexism is raised, and one of the most common expressions of this defensive reaction involves launching accusations of "man-bashing" at the woman who brought up the subject. This reaction is not surprising; it is precisely what one expects when privilege is challenged. Take a look at how Christians in the U.S. respond to threats against Christian privilege. They get defensive and cry persecution. What you see looks awfully similar to how many men respond when male privilege is challenged, doesn't it?I read a recent post written by a high-profile atheist blogger for whom I have great respect. In it, he claimed that he has never once felt that others thought he was awful simply for being a man. Really? Never? My initial reaction was disbelief. Warranted or not, hasn't every man felt that way at some time or another? I have certainly felt like some women thought I was worthless simply because of my gender. Does this make me a monster? What the hell is wrong with me to have felt this way?
I went back and re-read the post a day or two later, and I finally got it. The author was trying to distinguish between people thinking he was awful solely because of his gender vs. his behavior. His point was that men are not typically criticized for their gender but for their behavior (i.e., expressions of sexism). Unfortunately, the same is not true for women.
When women in the atheist community raise the issue of sexism, men need to listen without getting defensive. As Greta Christina reminded us, defensive responses involving "yes, but" are not helpful here. Such responses communicate to the speaker that we are not really listening. It is tough to be welcoming and dismissing or argumentative at the same time.
But What If She's Wrong?
But there's an important question that is often omitted from discussions of this subject.
What if a woman accuses me of being sexist because she's misunderstood something I said? She's assuming my intent was something very different than what it actually was. What if she's simply wrong?In such a case, I find it helpful to slow down. Don't respond immediately because you are probably going to do so out of anger. Let your ability to reason kick in first. Then try to look at things from her perspective. If she misunderstood you, can you see how that might have happened? If so, you should be able to explain yourself without being defensive. Is it possible that you are coming across in a sexist manner without realizing it? Be willing to take ownership for misspeaking if that is what happened.
Some people, both women and men, are overly sensitive to perceived criticism. This is a fact. But I certainly don't want to arrive at this interpretation until after I've exhausted all other possibilities. And if the person who called you out is not alone but is joined by several others, odds are good that the problem is yours rather than theirs.
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This is BS to a degree. First of all you didn't even address the actual point of accuracy when a claim of "sexist" is being thrown at a man. Second, to say something is "sexist" lacks coherent definition it is entirely a subjective concept to which there is no definitive answer that can be established. One woman's sexism, is another's harmless fliration or a non-issue. To call something "sexist" A) it must clearly without ambiguity be expressed what action or word was said along with context, and B) agreed upon by both parties to eliminate it because without a clear definition you're always going to get infinite issues on what is and what is not sexist. Of course you also get C) it maybe no one's fault because being a man vesus being a woman there are bound to be interpretational differences. Now this is not to say there can't be some modicum of agreement, but when woman say X is "sexist" they do a bad job distinguishing same way people misunderstand race issues. And then D) your quip about argument from majority again does not address if the claim is accurate in the first place.
ReplyDeleteI've received a number of comments over the past few months arguing that the reason why sexism is such a sensitive issue is because women in the atheism scene assume that we must be "better" than others regarding this issue. To that, I can only answer: I don't want that kind of pressure. We shouldn't assume that we're any better or worse, simply for being non-believers. Of course, this means we have to accept the fact that it means there will be a few douchebags, but if you look at things in a general way, our community is pretty good, and the rest is manufactured drama to give the impression that things are worse than they are. Are we prone to over-react? Of course we are! That's what humans do.
ReplyDeleteAs far as I'm concerned, the real battle for women's rights isn't being decided on atheist forums, but rather in countries (including the US, no less) that attempt to take away the gains we've made over the years.
As a woman in the "Atheism Scene", it's not that I think we are currently better than others, but that I want us as a community to become better than others on this issue. When we point at other groups, particularly religious ones, and say to them "you are messing up on women's issues", we should strive to have our own house in order first, at least as much as we are able.
ReplyDeleteI don't agree that this is bullshit.
ReplyDeleteIt's a real issue and going into automatic quibble mode sounds...defensive.
What would make it sound not defensive is to acknowledge the stuff that you agree with that lies outside the degree of bullshit that you feel you have detected.
Women are poorly represented in the atheist community. It doesn't just magically happen. There are reasons for it. Being an atheist does not mean that you are not sexist but it's a great goal to aim for. I have seen way too much defensiveness in comments on blogs when this issue is brought up and, yes, it's exactly like the responses that Christians spout when they feel under threat. The same honesty and critical thinking that atheists bring to bear on the subject of religion can be directed at the behaviour of atheists within their own community with regards to sexism.
The complaints are out there and they deserve serious attention as opposed to dismissiveness. If we address them openly and frankly and fix the problem then we all win.
Let's do it.